Of course, I blame Canada.
Well, maybe not Canada, but the fact that back when rocks were soft and I was in college in North Carolina my apartment's basic cable package inexplicably got CBC . For some strange reason, I found that putting curling on in the background on a Sunday afternoon when I was trying to finish up a term paper was a very effective study technique. Thus was born a lifetime of using the television as a background element when I was trying to Get Shit Done.
And thus I found myself on the couch, finishing a quarterly report for a volunteer position I hold, while the Style Channel executed a "Sex and the City" marathon in the background. I chose this deliberately -- the show is fast-paced, comedic, and is easy for me to ignore because I have seen most of the episodes before. Perfect Get Shit Done television. Or so I thought.
Until my mood started to change.
I should preface this by saying that since I started wielding the Wrecking Ball in my life, I have re-entered the world of relationships and dating, a circumstance that a couple years ago I would not have believed necessary or possible, but that is another story for another time. Since the Wrecking Ball, I can say with some honesty that my default attitude setting towards relationships and dating has been "laissez-faire optimism." I am certainly open to seeing the best in people and in relationships, but am in no hurry to turn anything into "a thing" before its time.
One of the benefits of having been married (and watching that marriage unravel) is you do not view marriage as a magical state of being. You have the pragmatism necessary to understand that something will either work or it won't. It will happen or it won't. All on it's own time, and not before. And it's not personal. You can be two perfectly decent people working at it like hell and doing your absolute level best, and it can still go to shit, if you even get that far in the first place. So while I would love to be in a relationship again at some point, and certainly do meet and find men attractive, when I am myself I am okay with letting what might come of such things happen on its own schedule.
That is not the attitude about relationships that you see on "Sex and the City."
This show reeks of desperation. These women, these highly successful, very intelligent, extremely attractive women, contort themselves into positions worthy of a Cirque du Soleil act all for the benefit of achieving a relationship status, whether it's getting a man into bed, being able to call him a "boyfriend" or get him to the altar (a thing which is given a near grail-like level of reverence). It's all about second-guessing oneself and giving in to neurotic thinking patterns and accepting all of that as the norm of what should be if you are single woman dating in modern America. The show attempts to genuflect at the notion that friendship is the true stability and love of our lives, a noble idea to be sure. But to be really fair, everyone's energy in the show is spent talking about men, bedding men, worrying about relationships with men, and occasionally making clever conversation over fancy drinks with gay men friends.
Neurotica, it turns out, is contagious.
My optimism devolved into anxiety. My usually solid sense of self-worth began to fog over in a haze of questioning and doubt. After all, if these beautiful, perfectly dressed, witty women are so angst-ridden and plagued with such horrible experiences with dating, what hope is there for a mere mortal like me? And the stream of commercials running in between -- dating sites, age-defying makeup, tips on how to look better in your clothes, and weight-loss products -- didn't help with the budding self-esteem crisis. By the time I was done with my work, I'd been exposed to nearly 3 hours of this crap and it had done the trick. I was now a seething mess of warped thinking, feeling insecure and lonely and unattractive and wondering about my future.
I knew this wasn't my best look. So I switched off the TV and meditated a little to remind myself of who I am, what I am, and what I want to do with my life. Because honestly, if I become Carrie Bradshaw I really hope that one of my dear friends who loves me like a sister will take me into a field and shoot me.
When it first aired, Sex and the City was lauded as "edgy" and "revolutionary" and "feminist" in its thinking, largely because it showed women having sex and enjoying it. Before Carrie Bradshaw and her friends showed up on HBO, it was unthinkable for a television program to show a woman interacting with a vibrator with anything other than shock and pity. These women were frank about sex, the way that me and my friends are frank about sex when we talk about it (which contrary to what the producers of the show would think, is not EVERY time we have brunch). That much is healthy. Women have waited far too long in this society to assume the full mantle of ownership of their sexuality, and have suffered because of it. You can't enjoy sex to its fullest if you're always wondering what other people will think of you if you do. Pleasure comes with confidence and abandon, not from self-consciousness.
It's not the sex in Sex and the City that is so damned evil. It's the fact that it's wrapped in anxiety and unrealistic expectations that play to our worst fears about love and relationships and sabotage our belief in our own desirability as women. I'm not sure how I missed this the first time I watched it all those years ago. Maybe it was because I was single then and didn't have the perspective that comes from having ridden the marriage-go-round already. Maybe I was just younger then and didn't know better.
And speaking of young and not knowing better, apparently they are bringing out a "prequel" series to introduce this bullshit to a new generation of girls who obviously need to be made miserable about themselves. One of the networks is planning the "Carrie Bradshaw Diaries" -- a series aimed at teens that follows a young Carrie Bradshaw in the 1980's in New York. "Sex and the City" gets to warp a whole new generation of women.
Next time, I will keep the TV off when I need to Get Shit Done. Or maybe watch National Geographic.
im interested to hear what you think about the hbo show GIRLS....
ReplyDeleteI've honestly watched a couple of episodes, but not all of them, so I might not have a clear picture of the show. But I do remember actually, physically cringing more than once. I think some of the difference with "GIRLS" is that the characters in the show are not meant to be role models, are not being held up as icons of what women should aspire to be. I think GIRLS is after a much more "anti-heroine" vibe. (Which, from a literary/cinematic perspective, is interesting, because women are usually either heroes or villains. The complex character of the anti-hero is never permitted to us.) The fact that we're not supposed to want to be these women absolves their behavior somewhat. They are not heroines, they are cautionary tales.
ReplyDeleteI also think GIRLS reflects a lot of the ambiguity of dating in this era as opposed to 15 years ago when SATC aired. So many of the conventions of dating that people over 35 accept as appropriate: the pick-her-up-take-her-out-drop-her-at-the-door date, the idea that the man should make clear his sexual interest up front in asking a woman out, etc., are actually I think considered optional among people under 30.
Those are knee-jerk first impressions based on three or four episodes. I'd probably have a more detailed opinion if I had watched a complete season.
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